" We have to learn to be faithful in the dark" ~~Brigham Young

Tough couple of weeks......
The past week or so has really tried my faith.  I had no idea I could get so low.  My husband had surgery and although the surgery did go well, the recovery has not.  He has had major reactions to the pain medications, the blood thinners, and even the anesthesia was hard to knock out of his system.  It has been a "dark" time and without a testimony, I would not have survived.

Sometimes we take our testimonies for granted.  Kade's email this past week told of a family he has been working with who have such strong faith, despite getting kicked in the teeth over and over.  They are truly an example.  He said, "A couple months ago ****, before he was baptized got in a fight in the chapel, one of the member kids got him in a choke hold, and **** passed out.  He could of died, the police and ambulance came too.  His parents knew about this, but they forgave, and now they are joining this church, hopefully next week. We picked out the baptism clothing, planned the baptism, they are planning their wedding.  maybe next Sunday will be the big day."  I am hoping and praying that this sweet family gets the blessings they deserve.

Last week a similar situation happened to someone I don't know.  It happened between missionaries.  I don't know the whole story, and it doesn't really matter, but an incident happened where one missionary was choked by another.  No disciplinary action was taken as far as I know, so it could have been rough housing or it could have been deliberate, but that doesn't matter either.  What matters is that the family of the missionary victim was not willing to forgive.  In fact, they were on the warpath.  It really made me realize how much forgiveness is an essential part of the plan of Salvation.  How can we face the Master, if we are not willing to truly forgive?  He forgives us every second of every day.

As I enter into conference weekend, I hope to focus on improvement.  Going through these past few days of trials opened up some character flaws in myself that I wasn't too pleased to discover.  Another aspect of the Atonement is our gift of making mistakes and making things right.  Thank goodness for that! 

Edward Cullen vs Captain Moroni?

I was reading over the missionary blogs I follow this morning and came across some deep thought by one missionary serving in Guatemala.  He wondered what was wrong with Mormon girls, all caught up in the Edward Cullen hype.  He had overheard two girls, possibly his sisters, wondering why a guy can't be more like Edward (from the Twilight series).  He listed his four reasons, that he is "a cold sick Vampire", that he isn't LDS, that he wasn't real, and then said "do I even need a number 4?  Why don't girls just go read the Book of Mormon?  They can read about REAL guys that are awesome.."  He went on to compare Edward and Captain Moroni.  He wondered who would win a fight between the two.

This all made me start thinking about the girls in Mormonville, or the Mormon Happy Valley, Utah Valley.  Why do girls think for a moment that they don't deserve the best?  When I taught Young Women's we had numerous lessons on the girls being of royal birth, of being worth something.  Why then do they not get it?  Why is the bad boy so attractive?  Why is the "popular crowd" so sought after when they are not living the standards of the Gospel?  My daughter tells me a lot about what the members of the Church are doing at school, and it really makes me feel bad for them.  I wonder why they can act the way they do when they have been given such a gift?  And I wonder sometimes if the parents are clueless or if they just don't know how to handle it.  We need to be very careful who our kids are hanging out with, and yet we have to give them agency also.  It is tough being a parent, especially with make believe families like the Cullens out there, and books and movies written by an LDS author that are really not what the Lord or the Prophet would want our kids reading.

Guess, I better go read my Book of Mormon.  My daughter is looking to me to be her example, not the Cullens.

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1.02.28

Am I willing to Sacrifice?

I have been thinking a lot lately about sacrifices, trials, and strength.  Why can one person have a trial, and they never see it as a trial?  What makes that person so strong?  Take for instance my daughter.  She has dealt with a trial for a few years, but she has never seen it as a burden.  She has always been thankful that she has not had a worse medical affliction.  She was even told she would be limited where she would be able to serve a mission, and yet the Lord sent her to Guatemala.  I think He sent her there because He knew her and knew that she could handle less than ideal situations.  She had already proved that to Him.  I really admire her strength.

I wonder, would I be able to overcome my physical limitations, or work through the pain, or have the strength?  I doubt it.  My hope would be that I could push past my own selfishness and learn to serve others.  I have decided to make some new goals.  I am not sure what they will be, but I know the direction I want to go with this.  I want to become a person who can overcome, who can serve without selfish thoughts, and who can learn to NOT give myself limits

Maybe I should pay attention to comments left on blogs???

This morning I was fine tuning my kids blogs and found a comment on Kade's blog that upset me.  Kade had a kid in his district in the MTC that went home early.  They worked so hard with this Elder, and even fasted many days for him.They were all so devastated when he went home.  It was just a couple of weeks before they were to go out into the field..

The mom of the boy posted a comment on Kade's blog saying that if her son had had better companions he wouldn't have gone home.  Now I understand that she is upset that her son came home, but it was harsh--very harsh.  It is not up to other 19 year old boys to keep another boy their age on a mission.  A mission is not for everyone.  I wish I could get a hold of the mom privately, but she has made her identity unavailable or something.  I don't think she needed to lash out at me or my son, or any of the other boys for that matter.

So who is strong enough for a mission?  Those whom the Lord chooses.  We all have baggage.  We all have gone through trials.  Some are just at a place where they have dealt with it and moved on.  Sure it is harder for some.  And for others it seems easy.  It is my belief that even those who seem to have it easy, really don't.  They just learn to make it seem easy.  Being in tune with the Lord helps.  Sometimes that is a real struggle.  Real life bogs us down with insecurities, trials, distractions, excuses.  We need to rely on Him.

I can never figure out why coming home from a mission early for medical or emotional reasons is a big deal.  And yet people make it a big deal, both the family of the one that returned, and the people around them.  It is not failure, nor is it failure to not go on a mission.  It is failure to not live up to the Gospel standards, and last time I looked leaving a mission early or not going on a mission did not necessarily go hand in hand with unworthiness.  Really good guys have not served missions, my husband included.  I hope we can all learn to be a bit more understanding.  Sure a mission is one of the greatest things a person can do, but we can all still be great if we want to.

thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.......

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes” (D&C 121:7–8)

Most people that know me don't know that I have suffered with a certain affliction for a few years.  It is called Fibromyalgia, and is a common condition characterized by long-term, body-wide pain and tender points in joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, morning stiffness, sleep problems, headaches, numbness in hands and feet, depression, and anxiety.  Mine probably began 15 years ago after the birth of my last child, but I was told over and over that I was "just tired".  It took a female doctor to finally diagnose me with something more than just being tired.  Of course, she actually listened--go figure.

 Most of the time I do okay with it, but there are times when I have an episode.  I literally hurt, no matter what.  It is those days when I wonder what I am doing and why.  Most of the time I have no problem doing an hour on my treadmill, but give me an episode, and I am in pain when I walk to the car.

This past week I have had an episode.  It really began on my birthday when I drank a Diet Coke.  Yep, that triggers it.  I have been almost Diet Coke, and soda free for almost 2 years.  In those 2 years, I have had hardly any pain associated with my Fibro.  It still happens once in awhile, but I have dramatically cut down on episodes. 

The scripture above helps to remind me that I can do it--I can endure this pain.  And things can always be worse.  Mine is such a minor affliction.  Positive attitude always helps too.  The more I feel sorry for myself, the more I feel the pain.  The more I focus on someone else, the less pain felt.  I think that may be a lesson the Savior was trying to teach us--focus on others, and not ourselves.

I am still feeling weepy when I think of Destinee and Kade being gone.  I can't wait for school to get back in session so I can go to the Temple again.  I really think it renews the Spirit.  I love going in the late mornings when things aren't overly busy, and I am not in a hurry to get back home.  I enjoyed that time with Destinee so much, especially the day we did work for Grandma and Aunt Geri.  What a special day that was!

quiet time

It is amazing how you hope for something, and then you get it, and you don't want it any more.  For a couple of weeks I have been hoping for just a little bit of down time.  I really really needed it.  Well guess what, I got it and it is too dang quiet!!! 

 It has been fun keeping up with Destinee and Kade's missions.  I feel really overwhelmed, but it is so fun to share in the adventure.  And I love being in spiritual mode.  Lately a lot has happened that might make some question their beliefs but for me it has strengthened them.  I have someone targeting my beliefs.  I got a bit snappy about it one day and my daughter calmed me down and stopped me from being a total poop.  I admire my daughter so much.  She doesn't know that she actually knows more than me, and that is impressive given that she is only 15.  Sure I have lived longer, and have more book knowledge, and some more life knowledge, but she surpasses me in spiritual knowledge.  Wow, what would it have been like to have that at 15?

I know a girl who is thinking about a mission.  I know she wants to get married.  I wonder if there will be a time when young ladies are actually encouraged to go on missions instead of just waiting around to get married?  A mission is such a life building experience and if they learn to serve as a missionary does, they will be much better wives and mothers.  I hope this young lady continues to fill out her papers, and does serve a mission.  The right guy will be here when she gets home.  I am proud of Destinee for making that decision.  She knew it was the right thing to do.  I sure wish I had had the opportunity.

blah, blah, blah

I was expecting a letter from Kade today.  I have gotten a hand written one from him every week since he went in the MTC except for the weeks we were in Oregon, and then I told him not to.  I guess I need to learn to not expect it since he will be going to California on the 27th and will be busy sharing the Gospel.  BUT, I was hoping.

This week I have been missing Destinee and Kade more.  I don't know why.  I ate mushrooms and thought of Destinee.  I heard Kade say something, but it wasn't him.  I sometimes feel sad, just because, and then I realize that half of my kids are not accessible by phone or texting.  I have to remind myself that this is where I want them, and that I could not have had better kids.  Where else would I want them? 

And so........I look forward to tomorrow, for Church, for spiritual renewal.